I had been talking to this well-educated, ambitious, mature, cute, humble, funny 25 year old man from South Carolina named Kevin for the last month. We had a good first date last week where we quite enjoyed ourselves and had a good conversation that lasted over 4 hours.
Tonight was to be Date Numero Dos with that man. But sadly, and in what was an unexpected twist of fate for the poor sap writing this, that man did not attend tonight's festivities.So this is the story of my first date with his alter-ego or more douchey-twin...also named Kevin. (And yes, that is his actual name because I only change names to protect the innocent.)So I met Kevin at his store in the Ridgedale mall. He's the manager so he can just "leave when he wants". I walk in and say hi to him. He just nodded back in return. Then, he's walking out of the store and walking towards me so we can walk to his car and he says to me, "Come on puppy!"It's gonna be a good story, isn't it? ;) We drive like 2 blocks away to Champps. He parks his car in the back of the parking lot so that, "the sad people with awful lives don't hit or dent his car with their rusted jalopies."I said, "Well that's rather presumptuous. Maybe they just don't care if their car is new? How do you know they're sad and lead awful lives?"So yeah we're off to the races before we even get inside the restaurant. Then we go inside and get seated. The female server comes over and warmly asks, "How are you guys doing tonight?"
And he just blurts out,
"I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DRINK YET SO..."
And she looked so taken aback. She took a second and said, "That's fine. How are you? That's all I wanted to know right now. I'll give you a couple minutes to look over the drink menu."I didn't even have a chance to breathe while that exchange happened. I was so aghast at his rudeness.
So I said, "Uhh yeah that wasn't very nice...you like barked at her."He goes, "No I didn't."I said, "Yeah...you immediately barked at her and she got defensive right away." He says, "Well it seemed as if she already had something going on with her. And if she can't handle herself then -""I think she handled herself quite f***ing well actually. Be nicer!"(And from here on in, I'm gonna just give you the "highlights of the night" and these are the cherry picked moments so know there are things I'm forgetting or my brain made the executive decision to block from my memory or I'm too exasperated to type out right meow.)He got a new phone since our last date. I asked what kind it was. He said he didn't know.
Seeing as it was on the table in front of us I just flipped it over to see the name of the manufacturer.But yeah, he quickly snatched that thing up and away from me and said, "I don't know if I want you snooping around on my phone just yet."Umm...it had a passcode on it! How the hell could I snoop? I didn't even touch the buttons! Literally turned it over to see the brand name. WTF?!But then, curiously, he unlocks his phone and says,
"Oh the guys are swarming tonight."I go, "What guys?""The guys on Grindr.""What guys on Grindr?""All the ones that have sent me messages tonight."
(Yeah. This was a date. Of mine. Like I voluntarily went to this thing and I...)He has push notifications enabled for Grindr. For you straight people and lesbians and all my other Queer friends... to have push notifications enabled on fu*$*g Grindr you have to have a premium (paid) membership. Grindr is something I use for fun. Mostly just to see how many unsolicited pictures of dicks and literal buttholes (bleached and non) I get by literally doing nothing but just having a profile. So I was under the impression that if you pay for Grindr...you are probably the one with a selfie-stick solely to get a good angle of taking a picture of your naked butt. But Kevin...Kevin pays...Kevin pays for...Kevin pays for Grindr.(I could've gone home after work. But noooo, I tried to grow as a person and go on a 2nd date with someone.)
He ordered some IPA. The server who I wanted to hug - while simultaneously have her rescue me from this pretentious boob - dropped our drinks off at the table. And we ordered. She walked away. And Kevin...He starts using his butter knife...to skim the foam off of his beer...and proceeds to fling said foam on the ground under our high top - which was indoors. We were eating indoors.
We were two human beings...adult human beings...eating inside of a restaurant that does a very good job at making you feel like you have at least a modicum of class for dining there. So naturally, I thought he was having a stroke."Umm...what are you doing?!?!"He said, "I don't want all of this foam on my beer because it leaves air bubbles in my mouth."(Yes. That's verbatim. James Comey and I are writing shit down the same way.)"Ever think of maybe not ordering beer then," I asked very politely. "Shut up!"He then decided to wipe the foam off of his butter knife on to the fabric napkin instead of flinging it on the floor.I don't...I don't know...I don't...I don't know. Is that an improvement?Our food comes. I have to carry the conversation by asking him questions. He asked me nothing except what my work hours were. He's going back home to South Carolina next week to visit his parents. I made the mistake of assuming he was going to be gone for longer than 18 hours. Because I'm stupid. Or something.(No joke - he's flying out in the morning to go to South Carolina. And flying back to Minnesota that same night. That's weird, right? Like...you only see your parents once every 6 months...am I dumb to think you'd be there for at least a day? Don't answer that.)
"So how come you're only going for like a day?""UHH NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! I have stuff I have to take care of is all."He again brings out his phone. I said, "Ahh is the date going that bad that you're already checking your Grindr to see if you have someone to meet up with after our date?"(Obviously I was serious. But I said it in my sarcastic voice which also sounds remarkably serious. But I have an uncanny ability to be able to camouflage them so well that I have plausible deniability if ever someone were to get offended at something I said. Yes, I know I can no longer do it to you reading this. And yes, I do find that upsetting. But life's funny that way, isn't it?)
He mentions he didn't even know about Grindr until this past December. Because he was in a relationship for NINE YEARS. Keep in mind that this arrogant prick is only 25 years old. So he dated the same guy from the time he was 14 until he was 23.
And guess what I found out because apparently Kevin had no idea I'd find this so gratifying when he told me? That guy...his ex-boyfriend of 9 years... is now engaged to be married...to a woman!!! (There's both an insult and a joke in there somewhere. Find it yourselves.)So he told me he was going to Pride weekend...solo...alone...by himself. (Our date occurred a few days before Pride weekend.)I *almost* felt bad for him.He said he didn't have any friends up here since moving here in February.
And I was so tempted to ask, "Oh? You couldn't find anyone who likes yelling at servers and flinging beer foam off a knife on to tiled floor? Weird."But I held it in.
(You know what that's called? Rising above it.)
So I asked him if he had ever gone to Pride down in South Carolina (where he was raised - where his family still resides). He condescendingly says, "South Carolina Pride? There's a South Carolina Pride?"I said, "Yeah...every major city has a Pride. And I know that there are...2 for sure in South Carolina. You never went?!" "Where are they? How long have they been around?"He asked it in a really bitchy voice so I had to chug my cider for a second before I could answer. "They've been going on for decades. I'd have to look at a map to remember the names of the cities - oh - Columbia I know for sure has one. And I'd have to look at a map for the other name." "Oh.............well..........I'm just from South Carolina so I'm sure you know more than me." "What? I didn't mean to sound like I knew more than you but I do know there are Pride festivals in South Carolina."(But really...you just freaking discovered Grindr 6 months ago you snobby-yet-low-class jerk. Soooo mmmmyeah I think I know more about being an out, loud, proud, homo standing in the middle of a park in a big city in the month of June commemorating the Stonewall Riots than you do. Kay?! That was all inner-monologue. Anyways...)
*Pulled out my phone and Googled 'South Carolina Pride' and bing bang boom*"Here! This is the website of Columbia's Pride.""Oh...yeah...this is one of the three I've gone to down there."The motherf***er just told me he had no idea there was even *one* Pride event in his state and now not only did he know but he went to three of them.Yeah... My lower lip was quivering at that moment. Because that's what it does when my brain shuts down in the midst of stupidity. I asked him how his food was and his response...I shit you not...was, "Well, I'm not unimpressed."(Who talks like that?)So I said, "I have a text from you saying something along the lines of 'I don't like how 'fake nice' people are up here...that Minnesota nice bullshit. I'm direct. I just tell it like it is.'"And he says, "Yeah...?"I said, "I feel like you're the person who would go up to someone in like a poly blend sweater and say something like, 'Oh I like your shirt. There's just something so charming about simple cloth.'I think I'm the more direct person out of the two of us."His response? Laughter and a shrug of the shoulders. Not a denial.But was I surprised? (No. No, I was not.)
So at this point I just want to get the hell outta dodge...I very nicely asked the server for the check.I paid.Not only because I'm a better person than he is...But also because he complained about our server not bringing him a glass of water with his meal - which he did not ask for - and said, "well that's fine...she won't be getting a tip."So she came back and ran my card and brought it back and said thanks and all that jazz. I thanked her. I gave her a long, meaningful glance that I hoped conveyed my apologies. But if not, hopefully she feels better because I tipped her 40%.Just. Because. I. Can.
(That's what good gays do!)Oh!! Maybe the best part? I don't know.Kevin comes from money. Like mansion money. Yacht money. His mom is a big time professor at some prestigious school down south and his Dad is some sort of chemical engineer with the Department of Energy.
So him being a pretentious little turd made all the sense in the world. But he masked it so well on our first date.I have only ever had 1 other great first date that then turned into a low-budget horror film by date 2. And that was years ago! But tonight, I had a flashback to that date.I was dumb enough when I was younger to allow guys to pick me up in their vehicle. Cuz it's like so like cute like when guys are like gentleman. *uhhsigh*I made that mistake again tonight because I'm an idiot. But this bad date years ago was SO BAD that when I finally got the guy to bring me back to my car...once I was within 10 feet of it...I flung the door open before the car even stopped and said, "Thanks! I'll talk to ya later!" and rushed into my car.Kind of with the same urgency of when you know you're just about to crap your pants but the toilet is so tantalizingly close that you can see it...that kind of urgency.
Like a feeling of relief and panic at the same time. Right? Right. I did that again tonight.Right after he made a remark that my car didn't have any dents or rust. He did not thank me for paying for dinner. He did not compliment me on how damn adorable I am. He didn't tell me he knew he was a complete assclown. He just sat there and I honest to god think he was expecting me to kiss him. But no, there were no goodbye kisses. No future plans. Just me hopping out of his still moving car while saying, "Have a good night and drive recklessly with abandon!"Because I had to get one final sarcastic-yet-serious comment in before I fled.Once in my car, I opened Grindr on my phone. I went to his profile and blocked him. I then texted him, "Hey! As I'm sure you were aware, tonight just wasn't as much fun as last time, and I didn’t feel that necessary ‘spark’ to really progress any further. I'm sure you're a great catch, though, and I wish you the best of luck in your search for Mr. Right! :)"The end.