50 Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘Fifty Shades of Grey’


To prep for the release of the film adaptation of E.L. James' Fifty Shades Darker (out Feb. 14), I recently watched Fifty Shades of Grey, which follows Anastasia Steele, a 20-something hopeless romantic who’s as passive as she is naive. Enter: Christian Grey, a possessive, emotionally unavailable egomaniac with whom Anastasia eagerly falls in love. Or something like that.

Here's 50 thoughts I  had while watching Fifty Shades of Grey:

  1. The 20-something hopeless romantic drives a beat-up VW Beetle. We’re off to a stereotypical start.
  2. The 20-something hopeless romantic wears a floral-print blouse under a poorly fitted cardigan to a meeting with a multi-millionaire businessman. We’re off to a sad, stereotypical start.
  3. Anastasia finds free parking directly in front of Mr. Grey’s office building. Meanwhile, I can’t find a meter 3 blocks from anywhere downtown.
  4. She did NOT just face plant. I hate her.
  5. Anastasia’s oral fixation with Mr. Grey’s pencil is distracting. And symbolic.
  6. I also orgasm in the rain after I meet an emotionally unavailable white-collar hottie.
  7. Passively handing over chicken salad sandwiches is clearly a gateway to BDSM.
  8. Anastasia is entirely too dull to work at a hardware store.
  9. Is that a flip phone?
  10. Is that Christian Grey?
  11. He’s a stalker.
  12. And probably a serial killer.
  13. Anastasia also drunk-dials aggressive a-holes. We have more in common than I thought.
  14. Jose just got friend-zoned because damaged egomaniacs > good guys.
  15. Why is Christian even somewhat protective of Anastasia? He’s known her for five minutes. Sit down.
  16. It appears I’ve stumbled across Twilight’s deleted scenes: this movie.
  17. Anastasia Steele is to lip biting as Bella Swan is to stuttering. Lol.
  18. Of course he owns a private helicopter with his name printed on the side.
  19. Of course he can fly a private helicopter with his name printed on the side.
  20. LOVE ME LIKE YOU DO, LA- LA- LOVE ME LIKE YOU DO.
  21. My mother warned me about men who ask you to sign a non-disclosure agreement on the first date.
  22. “I don’t make love. I f**k. Hard.” Punch him in the throat, Anastasia.
  23. This movie would be more realistic if Christian’s obsession were ‘Xbox and stuff.’
  24. I, too, would explore the bondage toys in the guy I just met’s 'playroom' and not at all run screaming into the woods.
  25. “Maybe if I pretend to love her, she’ll have sex with me.” – What Christian’s thinking.
  26. “Maybe if I have sex with him, he’ll love me.” – What Anastasia’s thinking.
  27. Boobs.
  28. Because losing your virginity is sensual and erotic and not at all painful and awkward.
  29. “I never took anyone else in the helicopter, never had sex in my own bed, never slept next to anyone else.” Want a gold star? D-bag.
  30. Who emails the dude they’re dating—er—BDSMing?
  31. My first instinct also is to have sex with someone who broke into my apartment. Calling the police would never cross my mind.
  32. Boobs pt. 2.
  33. I never want to hear anyone say the word ‘buttplug’ ever again.
  34. The lighting in this room is shallow and dim. Like Christian’s soul.
  35. What a waste of sushi.
  36. “Christian, that’s a car.” Nothing gets past Anastasia’s wits.
  37. Here’s hoping he gifts Anastasia a smart phone next.
  38. I’d like to spank Christian in the face with a brick.
  39. Boobs pt. 3.
  40. Christian’s lack of respect is now exemplified by his unwillingness to keep his hands off Anastasia in front of his parents. I hate him.
  41. Hello, Rita Or—oh, okay, bye.
  42. I’m nauseous just watching them spin around on this dang plane.
  43. “I’m 50 shades of f*cked up.” Understatement of the year.
  44. This isn’t going to end well.
  45. Nothing about this is kinky.
  46. THIS IS PHYSICAL ABUSE.
  47. A-hole.
  48. F**king a-hole.
  49. There’s a thick line between kinky sex games and domestic violence and Christian Grey just crossed it.
  50. I hate everyone.

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