To prep for the release of the film adaptation of E.L. James' Fifty Shades Darker (out Feb. 14), I recently watched Fifty Shades of Grey, which follows Anastasia Steele, a 20-something hopeless romantic who’s as passive as she is naive. Enter: Christian Grey, a possessive, emotionally unavailable egomaniac with whom Anastasia eagerly falls in love. Or something like that.
Here's 50 thoughts I had while watching Fifty Shades of Grey:
- The 20-something hopeless romantic drives a beat-up VW Beetle. We’re off to a stereotypical start.
- The 20-something hopeless romantic wears a floral-print blouse under a poorly fitted cardigan to a meeting with a multi-millionaire businessman. We’re off to a sad, stereotypical start.
- Anastasia finds free parking directly in front of Mr. Grey’s office building. Meanwhile, I can’t find a meter 3 blocks from anywhere downtown.
- She did NOT just face plant. I hate her.
- Anastasia’s oral fixation with Mr. Grey’s pencil is distracting. And symbolic.
- I also orgasm in the rain after I meet an emotionally unavailable white-collar hottie.
- Passively handing over chicken salad sandwiches is clearly a gateway to BDSM.
- Anastasia is entirely too dull to work at a hardware store.
- Is that a flip phone?
- Is that Christian Grey?
- He’s a stalker.
- And probably a serial killer.
- Anastasia also drunk-dials aggressive a-holes. We have more in common than I thought.
- Jose just got friend-zoned because damaged egomaniacs > good guys.
- Why is Christian even somewhat protective of Anastasia? He’s known her for five minutes. Sit down.
- It appears I’ve stumbled across Twilight’s deleted scenes: this movie.
- Anastasia Steele is to lip biting as Bella Swan is to stuttering. Lol.
- Of course he owns a private helicopter with his name printed on the side.
- Of course he can fly a private helicopter with his name printed on the side.
- LOVE ME LIKE YOU DO, LA- LA- LOVE ME LIKE YOU DO.
- My mother warned me about men who ask you to sign a non-disclosure agreement on the first date.
- “I don’t make love. I f**k. Hard.” Punch him in the throat, Anastasia.
- This movie would be more realistic if Christian’s obsession were ‘Xbox and stuff.’
- I, too, would explore the bondage toys in the guy I just met’s 'playroom' and not at all run screaming into the woods.
- “Maybe if I pretend to love her, she’ll have sex with me.” – What Christian’s thinking.
- “Maybe if I have sex with him, he’ll love me.” – What Anastasia’s thinking.
- Boobs.
- Because losing your virginity is sensual and erotic and not at all painful and awkward.
- “I never took anyone else in the helicopter, never had sex in my own bed, never slept next to anyone else.” Want a gold star? D-bag.
- Who emails the dude they’re dating—er—BDSMing?
- My first instinct also is to have sex with someone who broke into my apartment. Calling the police would never cross my mind.
- Boobs pt. 2.
- I never want to hear anyone say the word ‘buttplug’ ever again.
- The lighting in this room is shallow and dim. Like Christian’s soul.
- What a waste of sushi.
- “Christian, that’s a car.” Nothing gets past Anastasia’s wits.
- Here’s hoping he gifts Anastasia a smart phone next.
- I’d like to spank Christian in the face with a brick.
- Boobs pt. 3.
- Christian’s lack of respect is now exemplified by his unwillingness to keep his hands off Anastasia in front of his parents. I hate him.
- Hello, Rita Or—oh, okay, bye.
- I’m nauseous just watching them spin around on this dang plane.
- “I’m 50 shades of f*cked up.” Understatement of the year.
- This isn’t going to end well.
- Nothing about this is kinky.
- THIS IS PHYSICAL ABUSE.
- A-hole.
- F**king a-hole.
- There’s a thick line between kinky sex games and domestic violence and Christian Grey just crossed it.
- I hate everyone.