The Stages of Valentine's Day for Women, Age 6 - 30

AGE 6 - 14 Why are all these men carrying around flowers? Why is Mom mad at Dad? Don't all her friends exchange Valentines today, like we did in school? I have 26 Valentines! And a cupcake!! And DISNEY!!! 

AGE 14 - 15 Oh, is it Valentine's Day? I didn't even realize. I'm sick of seeing my classmates make out. His tongue must taste like Cool Ranch Doritos and unfulfilled potential. 

AGE 16 Aw, my friend's boyfriend gave her flowers and chocolate? That's nice, I guess. I mean, now she's gonna put them on top of the cafeteria table just so everyone sees, which is kind of obnoxious, but still! Hey, Friend, can I have a chocolate? No? Okay. 

AGE 17 EFF Valentine's Day. It's literally just a thing so that Hallmark can make money, and stuff. I know that because my slightly older boyfriend from a different school told me while we were hanging out in the parking lot outside the mall. We don't do Valentine's Day. 

AGE 18 Having this V-Day girls night was such a good idea! Who cares about Valentine's Day when we have Oreos, and Love Actually, and Bridget Jones' Diary, and Little Women, and — Why is your boyfriend here? 

 AGE 19 - 21 OMGOMGOMG, he took me to a mid-priced Italian place with cloth napkins and a candle on the table!!! This must be how Kate Middleton feels, like, all the time. He is the guy I am going to spend the rest of my life with, I don't care what my best friend or my mom or BASIC LOGIC says.

AGE 22 Is he serious? We're going to that mid-priced Italian place again? He needs to step it up. I'm gonna tell him it's fine but he should be able to tell by my mannerisms and facial expression that it is so not fine. 

AGE 23 Valentine's Day was just invented so you'd buy stuff. It's no big deal. I shouldn't take it so seriously. So I happen to be single on Valentine's Day! So what? I'm a grown woman and I'm focusing on my career. I have no time for a guy right now. I bet if I go right from work to home, I won't even see any happy couples or guys carrying flowers. THIS BODY SCRUB WILL MAKE ME FEEL GREAT ABOUT EVERYTHING BECAUSE THE WOMAN AT SHOPPERS (SEPHORA) SAID IT WOULD. 

AGE 24 I've only been dating this guy for a month. What am I supposed to expect? Flowers? A text? Should we not even hang out tonight because it's too much pressure? I'm gonna text him to show him how chill I am. 

AGE 25 - 27 Oh, thank God, he wants to stay in too.

 AGE 28 - 30 Oh, is it Valentine's Day? Let's go to our favorite restaurant that we go to every Tuesday and then hopefully he'll try not to fart on me later.

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