Worst Date Wednesday: Carly's Text Proof!

Okay, here we go:  

So, I decided to hop on Match.com a few weekends ago, just for funsies. I figured those who dabble on there are a little more serious than those on Tinder or Bumble, and it really seemed like it after reading multiple profiles.

A guy reached out to me, and when I read his lengthy profile, I was impressed! First of all, he put in the time to write quite a bit about himself, that’s already a step on the impress-a-Carly Train, and he also mentioned that he didn’t smoke (answering, “no way”) and went on about how he owned a few different businesses, he loved his family, was into art, played hockey, and even expressed how important communication is to him in a relationship (panty-dropper for this girl…communication is sooo important) – all great things. He looked okay, nothing super amazing physically, but I responded to his generic message with something playful, and we hit it off.

We texted for a while, and I was laughing my BUTT off the whole time. He was so funny! He asked if he could call me, and we ended up talking into the wee-hours of the morning about family, careers, everything you might go over on a first date. We were both excited to meet someone who seemed soo compatible right off the bat.

He asked if I wanted to get brunch the next morning (later that day), and I agreed. He let me know that he wouldn’t probably be up until at least 11, and he would call me when he got up to put some plans in place. 11, 12, 1, and 2p came and went, and I didn’t think toooo much of it, because while I don’t sleep that late, we were on the phone until around 5am… I finally reached out and he called me saying he was at a friend’s house checking on some artwork of his and that we could meet after. – This whole time I’m ready to go, I had been for hours, expecting at any minute he would be wanting to meet for BRUNCH. He finally called again, he said he had a few whisky/cokes and needed to shower and “just chill” for a second, but then he would be heading out to meet me at the dive bar he suggested (it’s like 4pm and brunch is long over, but hey, we just met the night before and these plans could have already been in place and slipped his mind…). I was a little irritated that I literally had been waiting around all day for plans that ended up happening in the evening, but I really thought this could be a great guy.

I gave it about an hour and told him I was just going to head there.. he said he would be arriving 10 mins later (he had a car, Falen, everything seemed okay!). 15 mins went by and he called me to tell me that he's still on his way and to not let anyone scoop his "babe" up while I waited alone... Okay, pet names, kinda early, but whatever, I was still excited to meet him .... 30 mins go by and he calls asking me to meet him at the door (too afraid to come in and find me? I don’t know…) so I go outside and find him smoking a cigarette. STRIKE ONE. I seriously hate nothing more than a smoker. I was still excited to meet him in person so I thought, "alright, maybe he smokes when he drinks, that happens.." (spoiler alert, it wasn’t booze induced..bleckk.) We sit down at a table away from the bar and chat a bit before I offer to grab him a drink. He protested against me paying for it at first, but I like to contribute to dates and figured I'd do my part and pay for at least his first. As I get up to the bar he yells to me to get him a burger and fries as well... I do... so, the one drink just turned to his meal. These are all things that were annoying, but so early in the date, you hardly notice. As we're chatting, I could tell he was pretty drunk already. He still seemed like the guy I talked to on the phone the day earlier, but just a tad obnoxious (we've all been there, right?). As we continue the conversation he starts talking about his past. In his past he has "made a lot of mistakes" including selling cocaine, growing and selling pot (which his ex girlfriend dug up before she left, leaving him without a $40k drug deal previously negotiated, etc. etc.) and doing live sex videos for cash...getting his girls set up with sugar daddies, and fathering a child from a one-night-stand who he never gets to see.... It all sounded really terrible but it was his past and he really made it seem like he was different and talked about all he had learned from it. (This is when I couldn't relate to anything but one time when an old man asked if I would be his arm candy a few nights a month when going to work functions. I talked about how I turned the offer down but thought, "DAMN, that could be lucrative, but also degrading.." He tried selling the sugar daddy/sugar baby life to me...which I kinda mention later in my texts....and yeah, I'm the dumb B that was still "charmed" by this guy. helpmejesus, at least i can admit it! 

His current jobs quickly went from "owning multiple LLCs" to, "I'm an artist and I'm doing landscaping right now." So, lots of things changed during our conversation. I ignored it...again.I started getting a little buzzed, (I only had a few beers, but I also hadn't eaten don't judge me), and when I get sloppy, I get extra flirty and apparently careless...even if I'm annoyed with things I'm hearing (I WAS SO CLOUDED by how impressed I was by him the night before, everything seemed to slide.) so, when he said he was going outside to smoke a joint, I let it go. I'm not against marijuana, everyone does it...but I just don't participate. It was okay, but it was just adding to the list of things for which we weren't on the same page.

We stayed at this bar for a while and had some pretty decent conversations, he was really into me and was showering me with compliments that were pretty deep..and not the normal, "you're hot" or "I wanna touch your boobs with my face" ya know? These were extra nice.

This was a Sunday, and I had to work in the morning, so staying out much later than midnight was not going to be a good idea, so I told him I would be going soon. He asked if he could come with...and because I was within walking distance and I know his drunk-ass would have driven otherwise, I told him he could come over and walk back for his car in the morning. He ran out to his car and blared his music while he monkey'd with his phone or something, so I started walking back by myself. I pointed to my house and told him to meet me there. I could hear his music from inside my house for :30 mins before he decided to come in...(at this point, I wanted him to forget where I lived and just go..but also didn't want him hurting someone else.!! 

He gets into my place and we smooch a little (I get really smoochy, ..whatever!) but i really didn't want to hook up with him, nor did I think he would be able to if we attempted, which isn't fun for anyone no matter how much they insist they're okay. So I told him I just wanted to get ready for bed. He said he was going to go out for a smoke (which I scoffed at) and he would be back in. I brought my purse to bed with me because while I was making a bad decision by having him over, I didn't want him stealing my stuff. I went to bed with the door cracked open and after a few mins he came in and knelt beside the bed. He whispered, "I got you something babe...look!" then turned on the light to show me he had a nicotine patch. He said he was quitting smoking for me. I didn't believe any of that, and he woke me up to tell me, so I was annoyed. He apologized for waking me and told me he would be right back to bed. (At this point it felt like we had dated for 5 years but I was really checking out...like, I was comfortable with him, but also really annoyed and didn't want him around.) He came in a bit later and leaned on me, saying my name over and over again.... when I finally was like, "WHAT?!" he asked if I needed water... I told him no, that I appreciated his concern, but that I REALLY needed to sleep. He stood up, got all huffy, and slurred, "ya know what, I'm just going to leave..." I told him he should just get an uber and he got mad because I was okay with him leaving. So, I backtracked and told him I wanted him to be safe and not hurt anyone, so he should just sleep it off. He was okay at that point (but scaring me a little with his mood swings...) but told me he was going to be right back.... I fell back asleep. Then I heard him making a lot of noise in my kitchen, then one big bang came from the kitchen. I called his named and asked if he was okay... no answer... I sighed heavily and rolled out of bed to see what was going on. As I get there, he's getting up off the floor with the "I have to throw up" face, and ran past me to the bathroom. I go back to bed, close the door and turn on music...because I don't want to hear that.... A while after, I heard him calling my name.. over...and.over and over again. I finally responded from bed, and he responded, "I just wanted to say hi." OKAY, BARFY McGEE...I'm trying to sleep. get your shit together and go to bed....is what I should have said. I ignored him and finally, he came in and laid down next to me. He warned me that if he gets up quickly it's just  because he has to throw up. I'm EXHAUSTED at this point, (I had gotten up early after a late night on the phone to get ready for BRUNCH) so I had zero time to worry about that, and thought, "if I wake up to this lunatic barfing on me...I won't be surprised." It was 4:30 at this point...and I needed to sleep even a little.I wake up just a few hours later, he's asleep, face down, on top of the covers. I go to the bathroom to find water all over the floor (his glass tipped), and his glasses next to my barf-covered toilet. Okay. SO GROSS..and THANKS FOR CLEANING UP, BUD....but I clean it up and make my way to the kitchen. There, i find the contents of his pockets thrown around the room, my booze bottles open or leaking on the floor (I have them in a wine rack on the bottom of my island, so it's apparent he didn't close them well enough and laid them back down..) water ALL over my range top (like he put out a flame with water) and my tupperware that used to hold my lunch I prepared... eaten and a mess (stir fry... but he apparently didn't like peas, because he picked those all out and left them. Sorry you didn't like the lunch I made for myself, d***). I stepped outside to find more of my dishes outside on the deck and cigarette butts everywhere... I'm PISSED at this point. He went rummaging through my crap, drank my booze, ate my lunch, and made a huge mess. no. but hey, I'm the one who let him come over. Yes, I learned a lesson. 

I cleaned up a bit but had no time to really clean before work. So, I get ready for work quickly and wake him up telling him he needed to get out. He just shook his head "no." I told him he needed to get up, that I got all his crap together, and I need to leave for work, so he had to leave. He wanted to just stay at my place, and when he was ready to go he would leave while I was at work. (apparently, he didn't have to work?) No way was I letting that happen. He was irritated with me... I stepped away to finish getting ready and came back to him now under my covers, having snuggled in a bit more after I walked away. I finally got really irritated, texted a friend to have her near in case he was going to act like a psycho...and told him that I really didn't want to turn this into a call to the cops... He finally got up, complaining...He apologized, then tried to kiss me...when I didn't alllow it, he got irritated. He grabbed his stuff and walked towards the door. I opened it and told him to have a good day. He got pissed at me for not walking him out... so I did. He tried to kiss me again.. I denied it and told him to have a good day. I made sure he got around the corner before I left my place for work...I feared he would come back and try to get in or something.He snapped me an hour or so later with a dick pic....with the caption "this could be yours. I want it to be yours." no. no. no.  

BUT THAT'S NOT IT. 

I didn't say anything, then the following convo happened...he sent 2 more dick pics in there.(didnt screenshot that part, don't worry).and I KNOW. I'm way too nice. I don't just tell him to eff off...and I entertain his texts for too long.... I  thought you'd like to see the ridiculous excuses he gives...and a look inside his crazy way of thinking. THIS MAN IS 35 years old. ... Note: also, he totally did barf...I cleaned it... he didn't leave me any money for my food like he says, and can we laugh at the part where he says he talks about how he was trying to be quiet while he ate my food (he didn't have permission to eat), so he didn't do the dishes? 

Yeah, I know I shouldn't have let him come to my place...definitely shouldn't have kissed him or really spent much time entertaining him at all..but it felt like I had met him before we even met...so my judgement was extra off. I know I could have been hurt..and I put myself in a vulnerable position..but lesson-learned.... bring on the haters! 

Thanks for listening! 

Carly